It’s 2:07PM.

The Florida sun is blazing across my face. Sweat drips down my brow…

I’m carrying a Yeti Cooler, four beach chairs, buckets of pool toys and a beach bag full of towels, clothes and snacks while Luca, Liam and Hailey carry one floaty each… 😒

Basically, I’m pulling off one of these 👇

Hahah!

We’re on our way back to the Villa after our morning beach session…

.…and I have the honor of carrying everything up THREE flights of stairs!

🥵

🥵

🥵

AND FINALLY!

I make it to the top of the stares absolutely huffing for air as if I’m not a high performing runner!

I’m slightly offended with myself as an athlete that I’m being beat by beach chairs.

But I don’t have time to let the offense linger on before my phone starts going off…

🎵 DEE BE DOO BOO DO DOT DE BEEEEEEEE 🎵

🎵 DEE BE DOO BOO DO DOT DE BEEEEEEEE 🎵

I jump at the opportunity to put the eight bags and beach chairs on the floor and grab my phone with sandy palms.

Ahhh random number, probably spam.

I’ll wait for the pre-screener.

If you didn’t know — iPhones have this nifty little feature you can turn on called Spam Pre-Screening. Where anytime a random number calls you… the phone itself will pick up the call before you and ask, “Who is calling?”

Then the person on the other line starts talking and while they are talking LIVE…

.…it will start typing out the transcript of what they are saying on your screen so you can decide whether you want to pick it up or not.

While I’m staring at the screen, it types out…

THE MOST BIZARRE CALL I’VE EVER GOTTEN IN MY LIFE! 🫪

With God as my witness and three children around me… it starts writing:

Hi, It’s Kimberly from Asian Rape.

Kimberly from WHERE!?

NOT INTERESTED! NOOOOOOT INTERESTED!

Being raped wasn’t on my list of “Vacation Activities” to enjoy today.

I wanted to reach out about your Aunt issue.

My aunt!?

My sweet Aunt Paraschiva who is a 72 Romanian lady that lives in the Bucharest!?

What did you do to Paraschiva!!!!!

We have had it treated you know, and with a little bit of rain and a little bit of bait, the aunts are going to come out.

Rain and bait!?

What kind of whorehouse are you runnin??

This is the sickest scheme I’ve ever heard of!

And why are you targeting only Aunts? Did you take one of those Andrew Tate Hustler University courses where he teaches generic marketing like niching wayyyyyy down!?

That must be it…

Asian Rape for Aunts has GOT to be a Hustler’s University product.

There is literally no other explanation.

I would like to have housekeeping run by, just wipe your services down, um, mop the floors, because we are going to retreat, um, on the 16th.

For God Sakes, I have three young kids here with me.

DO NOT send “Housekeeping.”

Retreat TODAY. Not on the 16th.

I highly recommend you guys get the hell outta dodge.

Based on everything I’ve heard… I’m terrified to even Google what “wipe my services down” is.

I bet if I type that in, there’s some sort of Special Alert that triggers all of Google.

“SOMEBODY JUST TYPED IN THEY WANT THEIR SERVICES WIPED DOWN! SICK BASTARDS! THEY’RE IN FLORIDA! ALERT THE POLICE!”

We’ve treated all that we can, and I think it would be beneficial for housekeeping, um, for them to come by.

It’s too late, Kimberly from Asian Rape!

Google is on their way! They’ve sent the Secret Service. I’m currently throwing all of my beach gear back into my Acura SUV and I’m leaving everything else behind…

I’m not waiting around for you scar my children for life!

Do you know how many copies of Email Goat I’ll have to sell to pay for their Therapy Bills?

You don’t have to be in the unit but um feel free to give us a call back if you would like that. Thank you so much bye bye.

I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT!

I REPORT! I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT!

PLEASE! NO KIMBERLY! NO ASIAN RAPE! LEAVE THE AUNTS ALONE! NO WIPING MY SERVICES OR SENDING YOUR HOUSEKEEPING BY ANY MEANS!

I immediately toss the phone over the three story balcony, look my sweet kids in the eyes and whisper quietly to them…

“We’re going to back Atlanta, okay kids? We’re not safe here!”

Which they found my live reactions to this “Unknown Caller” wildly entertaining! Haha.

They’re laughing their butts off while I’m screaming out things like, “You did what to my aunt!?”

And my wife, Adri, is in pure disbelief as if I’m making it up.

But as I’m about to confirm with you…

.… I didn’t make a single lick of this up!

Here’s a screenshot of the voicemail transcript right here 👇

I TOLD YOU! Haha!

But my favorite part is the AI disclaimer above the transcript where it says: (low confidence)

🤣

AI is literally like, “Listen bro, we’re transcribing stuff over here but we’re not sure if what we’re typing is what these people are saying. We have very low confidence in our work and we believe you should too.”

Believe me, I already do Siri!

In fact, I have NO CONFIDENCE in your ability to write highly entertaining or super fun emails like this one that gets people sucking up every single sentence you pump out.

Which is exactly why I implore you to make Email Goat one of the best investments you make all year.

It will teach you write highly entertaining emails (like this one)…

.…And pay for the load of incoming therapy bills for my children.

​CLICK THIS LINK TO CHECK OUT EMAIL GOAT.​

​👆👆👆​

Enjoy and I’ll see ya tomorrow!

Your friend,

Alin “Email Goat” Dragu

P.S. I listened to the actual voicemail. Apparently, it was our Vacation Rental Company — Ocean Reef (Not Asian Rape) — sending out Housekeeping to take care of the ANT (not Aunt) problem I called about yesterday. Just a few minor details that AI gets wrong that absolutely does not affect the context of the story or writing at all.